Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…