Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Meowchelangelo

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide