Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?