Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
…..pretty much.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.