Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
🤣😂🤣😂
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT