Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I think they could have phrased this better
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
The game has officially changed 😎
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun