Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Happy birthday to William Shakespeare, who wrote good.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit