I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight