Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it