Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
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The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.