@TYrannosaurus: Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like "woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"
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@CommonSavant: I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.
@OrdinaryAlso: Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running? Random person who answered the phone: Yes. Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
@FeelingEuphoric: ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say? STUDENT: um ME: this is important STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A? ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker