Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Strange

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet