Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

based al yankovic

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.