Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

My humor is broken

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said