Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

💻🤡

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost