Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot