Auto correct is my worst enema.
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I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
the dark web is just a goth google.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.