Auto correct is my worst enema.
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.