When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
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Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Canadians would be chagrined to know how many Americans think a “Vancouver” is a big tarp for your VW microbus.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
me: what your biggest fear?
date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic
me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?
I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.