Auto correct is my worst enema.

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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”


Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”


If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU


Canadians would be chagrined to know how many Americans think a “Vancouver” is a big tarp for your VW microbus.


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.


me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?


I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.


8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.