A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.