Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-