Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.