Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
