Autocannibalism is self-serving.
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
tell em, edith-anne
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery