Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I put the mess in domestic.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.