Autocarrot sucks!
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
See..?
.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.