Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
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As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.