Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed