Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that