Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.