Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.