Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.