Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Siri: Retweet me.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.