Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Coffee is ready.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If snakes were wide
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.