Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn