Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you