Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford