Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)