Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I feel it