Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
this is funnier than any friends episode
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about