Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit