Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

me opening up to someone

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake