Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The news in a nutshell.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son