Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
O Wise One….
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself