Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs