Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
The smoothest fall of all time
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
When you’re Kinky but poor
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…