Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.