Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Frankenstein?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*