Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.