Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

How about daylight saves us for once

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

🙂🐾

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying