Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
