Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.