Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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You might just have to resign…
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I think I’m having a stroke
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”