Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho