Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Got a light

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.