Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.