Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
#Caturday
I love the honesty
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.