Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

The funk soul brother

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game