Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk