Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?