Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British websites use biscuits.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Dance like you’re not the father

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?