Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?