Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Sure. Why not?

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks