Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Put a ring on it
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Education is vital
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.