Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
No, I don’t think I will.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.