Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.