Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.