Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.