Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Does it…does it take 3 days
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets