Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao