Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
#CoronaOutbreak
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Great acting.. 😂
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?