Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
new record!
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Husband of the year 😂
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”