Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
You Might Also Like
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
spot the difference
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series