Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
You Might Also Like
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.