Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
