Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

don’t we all