Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
money maker
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
girls literally only want one thing..
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.